As she laid there looking out the Hospital window she was reflecting on all the things she had done in life, and had not yet done. She was a strong woman, you could tell by simply looking at her face, and to have known her was to know a lady who always seemed to have a smile as she went about her tasks.
You could say she had lived a full life, but in this moment of reflection she could not help but feel the welling of sadness that was in her chest. She tried so hard to ignore it, as to acknowledge it would drive her to total tears and she knew that. The feeling was the emptiness and lack of fulfillment that she had repressed all these years. She knew she had the gift of feeling life, although sometimes she wondered if others didn’t or if they just refused to. Either way, she knew she was now at the end, and since she didn’t have to take care of others, she had to look and take care of her inner self suddenly. She was thankful for a full life, but suddenly she felt as if she had overlooked a key to life.
She was so good at getting things done, made sure her man and the children were taken care of, their basic needs that is, but that is part of the sadness she was feeling. She took care of them, helped in the ways that society does, and as she could feel the burn coming up through her nose as the tears were now to near the surface, and the eyes suddenly getting blurry from the tears that were far too powerful to hold back.
If someone had come in at this moment they would have run to her side, this is so not her, she was always so strong, and her energy was always there for others, but now as the energy was fading, it was as if the Lord had opened her mind to show her something. Yes she enjoyed those quiet moments in her life, every time she could sneak a few moments she sat on the front deck and would knit, smiling as she looked out upon the sky, or watching the birds creep closer and closer as they decided the best feed was in the fear zone of getting closer to her. Hop hop hop forward they would go, then one back before they would start again. Silly birds she thought, and then as she would feel the smile taking over her face, she would need to get up and get another task done, but she did enjoy those moments so.
The sadness that was inside was 2 things really, one was potential. This was taken from her. Her life whether she realized it or not, each and every day she had the potential to do or see whatever she wanted to, but never realized it, that is the part that was choking her up the most right now. Yes she did things for others, she should be happy for that, and she was, but she knew now that she had the potential to do anything she wanted, and that potential was now gone, she knew she had done the best she could to take care of the basic needs of others in her life to help them be happy or at least more content, and that feels right now like it was a band-aid rather than medicine. If only she had instead slowed down, stopped doing for them for a minute taught them about possibility, and show them all the beauty that is all around that they look right past. Do you have any idea what it is like to feel you were “being good” in the way in which you lived your life, and then suddenly when it is at the end feel the inner pain of waste and want. Waste of precious moments in each day of life, and want of the chance for any amount of time. Right now a day at home with her loved ones, to share these things so they may not have to endure what she was in that bed. As she shifted herself in bed, as difficult as it was to move now, she needed to see out the window. The pain and difficulty were not as important as the desire. She needed to see the outdoors one more time, and she did, enjoying the sight of a Hawk that was floating in the air, not flapping its wings or fighting nature, it simply enjoyed the currents. It was then that she realized it was no coincidence that the Hawk was there. She knew the bird was part of the perfection of life that she had not taken enough time to see feel or enjoy. Everything is there for you, and you keep it shut out by not believing. Oh I know you think because you have moments each day in which you “believe” that you are a believer, but there is so much people do not understand. She could feel a smile coming over her face as she was in this tiny section of space enjoying the time herself. She could feel the bird and the flight seemed so slow and fulfilling to her, she was so focused on the bird seeing the angle of the head, the slight shifts the wings made and was loving how close it was, even though it was a ways away still. She was not wishing it was closer, bigger, that others could see it too, she was enjoying it herself for all that it was. And that moment in which she had only been watching the bird for only a few minutes felt like an hour. To fly like that was the thought she had as she floated off into her final sleep.
Absorb the Earths perfection, feel the beauty that is all around you, take a moment and connect, realize that perfection is waiting for you in each moment. Don’t have your mind take something and be unhappy with what is around you, embrace and love it. You are the one who races off to please others in what seems like the Earthly way to live, you have the potential to do and be anything, but what is most important is at all times see, feel and love everything, and watch how much fulfillment you will receive inside. Life is love, love is beautiful, connect with it. You have been blessed with another day, which has unending potential, live, as this was the second thing she had realized in her final moments was time, how much she had wasted, especially when she had such want for just a little more.
James Goddard
Author of Freedom For a Day
www.JamesGoddard.com
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